Bullying at work: How to recognize it and effectively defend yourself and others?

Indiscriminate jokes. Seemingly innocent banter. "Stray" invitations to important meetings. That's what bullying at work can look like. How do you spot bullying even when it looks innocent? And how to effectively confront it - whether as a victim or as a team leader?

Do you know what bullying is?

A one-off disagreement, an outburst of emotions or a short-lived sulk can make working life unpleasant, but it cannot be called bullying. Bullying is a consistent and long-term activity that manifests itself in, for example:

 

• verbal manipulation.
• gossip, innuendo and intrigue that is specifically directed at a particular person with the aim of harming them. 
• aggressive and passive-aggressive comments and name-calling.
• Encouraging others to behave unpleasantly towards the selected person.
• isolation from the team - exclusion from important meetings, conversations or informal team gatherings.
• hatred and incitement to hatred.

The aforementioned signs of bullying transferred to emails and chats can be described as cyberbullying. It is most often manifested in the form of aggressive comments on social networks, ridicule, scheming by e-mail, etc.

Bullying does not have to be conscious

You may be surprised to learn that bullying can be conscious or unconscious. While in conscious bullying it is clear that the aggressor is doing harm intentionally, in unconscious bullying the aggressor may not be aware that they are hurting the other person by their behaviour. For example, people may bully because of unconscious biases. This may be the case, for example, when the aggressor makes racist jokes towards a colleague but is otherwise friendly towards them. The colleague in question is bothered by this. Or in some organisations, certain behaviour may be considered normal or acceptable. For example, if the organisational culture tolerates aggressive competition, employees may bully without realising it.

Unconscious bullying can be resolved by speaking out against it and make it clear that you're uncomfortable with certain behaviors.

In the same way, conscious bullying needs to be challenged. But there is little chance that this will resolve it. There are other actions to be taken steps such as documenting incidents in detail, using processes to deal with such situations, using witnesses to bullying, etc.

The effects of bullying on health

Dealing with bullying on a daily basis has a number of health implications for the victim. Long-term bullying disrupts working relationships and can lead to chronic illness due to increased stress. Depending on the type and duration of bullying, victims may experience: 

• Anxiety, fear.
• Sleep disturbances.
• Disturbances in concentration and reduced work performance. 
• Stomach upset, back pain, headaches, migraines. 
• Disrupted relationships outside of work. 
• Tendency to depression. 
• Increased sickness.

How to recognize a victim of bullying?

People who are sensitive to criticism, those with low self-esteem, but also perfectionists or those who excel in a team may be more prone to being a victim of bullying. Almost anyone can be a victim of bullying. Rather than the specific personality of the victim, it is more about the personality of the aggressor and the conditions in which such behaviour may manifest itself. Even if you don't have any of the 'at risk' characteristics, you may just have a weaker period when you are more vulnerable - and aggressors can easily sense this. 

Bullies always want something for their own benefit - and it could be just the satisfaction of having the upper hand

A victim of bullying may be:

• A self-confident, ambitious manager with two degrees who, by her proactive approach, irritates the rest of the team or a colleague with whom she is competing for her career. 
• A woman in a male team, or a man in a female team, who regularly has to listen to jokes with a sexual or chauvinistic context made with the apparent aim of upsetting them. 
• An introverted employee with a speech impediment whose stammer is parodied in a video and then disseminated throughout the company.
• A young manager in charge of a senior team. His employees deliberately ignore work tasks and procedures, speak out against him and ridicule him. 
• A woman who, because of personal grievances, is assigned demanding tasks with impossible deadlines by her supervisor. When she fails to meet them, he yells at her and does not award her a bonus, citing poor performance. The supervisor purposely wants to prove that her subordinate is incompetent.

You are a victim of bullying: How to defend yourself?

The first step is to let the aggressor know that you are uncomfortable with his behaviour and to strongly ask him to stop. In the case of unconscious bullying, this alone may be the solution. In the case of deliberate bullying, of course, it is not the solution, but the first step will give you the strength to take the other steps:

• Inform a supervisor. If you are being bullied by a supervisor, contact HR or someone else in management. Bullying is a serious incident that casts the company culture in a bad light and should be addressed by management.

Reporting bullying is not "suing" or a sign of your weakness. On the contrary. Reporting bullying takes a good deal of courage. Don't justify the aggressor's behavior by your inaction and stand up for yourself.

• Collect evidence. Emails, chats, and minutes of specific situations including date, location, and witnesses will make it easier to deal with management, unions, and possibly lawyers.

You may not want to get into evidence gathering. Try to conceptualize it initially as gathering "evidence" for your own sorting of ideas. As they start to accumulate, you will see your determination to do something about it grow.

• Support your psyche. Bullying leaves big wounds on the psyche, so make sure you take care of your mental health. It's also a good step to consult a therapist to help you identify bullying and plan steps to eliminate it.

It's often not so simple

It can be difficult to alert other members of management that one of them is bullying you. Or pointing out a universally liked colleague whose inappropriate behaviour colleagues will turn a blind eye to. Bullying is difficult to prove and you need to consider the full context of the situation, in addition to your formal claim for protection. This includes the relationships, the company hierarchy, the interests of the parties involved or the company culture. 

Even if you can prove the bullying, in the end you are still the one more likely to leave the company - BUT REMEMBER that your eventual voluntary departure from employment is not your defeat in such a case, but a necessary step to preserve your dignity and psychological stability. 

Bullying on your team: What should a manager do?

Bullying can put your team at risk, and while it's sometimes easier to dismiss suspicious behaviour with a wave of the hand, it's not worth it in the long run. If you tolerate the signals of bullying over the long term, you will be accepting them as the norm. You may then face increased sickness, turnover, a disrupted company culture, an unpleasant atmosphere and possibly an escalation of the whole situation. Bullying should be addressed by every manager at the outset - in conjunction with HR and a lawyer. You can also consult with a therapist to help you understand the situation and plan sensitive communication.

Remember that bullying and discrimination are also regulated by the law and as managers and HR you will be co-responsible for dealing with it.

• Interview the victim. Create space, listen, don't aggrandize. Suggest how you can help and inform the victim what the bullying allegation entails and what the next steps and evidence will entail. 
• Check with HR to see if you have a procedure for reporting and dealing with bullying outlined in an internal policy and how you can use a company lawyer for advice.
• Don't just take the situation into your own hands. You may be inclined to talk to the aggressor, but doing so may cause more harm to the victim. Either by exposing even more aggression or by messing up the collection of evidence against the aggressor. 
• Separate the aggressor from the victim. If you can, arrange for them not to see each other.
• Monitor the reported behaviour and define yourself in relation to it. Once you see the bullying, make it clear to the aggressor that the behaviour is objectionable and that as a manager you do not approve of it. Speak up for yourself, leave the victim out of it, you will only hurt them more. 
• Let the team know that you do not approve of the aggressive behavior. Every time the aggressor stands up to the victim in front of others, stand up for the victim. In addition to helping the bullied person, you are pointing out behavior you don't want on the team. At the same time, you are encouraging others to not be indifferent to such behaviour and not be afraid to stand up for the victim. Also be aware that the aggressor may modify his or her behaviour as a result of the public warning. He or she will be more careful and will only attack the victim when there are two of you or when you are not present. So remain vigilant. 

As a manager, how can you prevent bullying?

• Cultivate psychological safety and trust in your team that they can confide in you as a manager about work and non-work problems. 
• Build relationships and give them space at work - when people know each other beyond work tasks, they are more likely to understand and tolerate each other, care about their own psychological wellbeing and are more likely to notice when someone else needs help. 
• Pay attention to how people talk to each other - don't tolerate aggressive outbursts, arguments, gossip, slander. Defend yourself against them and make it clear that you do not tolerate such behaviour. 
• Notice changes in behaviour in team members.
• Have regular live meetings.
• Create a space for sharing - in meetings and one-to-one sessions, create a space to share how someone is doing and how they are feeling. This will capture the mood and emotions in the team, but don't force people to share. 
• Preserve or revive team rituals.

Bullying can quickly and sometimes irreparably disrupt an otherwise functioning team, company-wide relationships and company culture. Take Soulmio's online mental health care program to the rescue and you don't have to be on your own. You and your team will find support in times of crisis, practical tools for building mental resilience and well-being, and space to relax.